I found a table in the glorious Winter sun and waited for my very dear friend to arrive. We had both managed to squeeze in a quick lunch and I was looking forward to a chat.
She arrived, and with her usual ease and grace, slung her bag across her chair, sat down and flipped me the dreaded question.
“So how have you been?”
The icky feeling began to rise up within. I wanted to downplay how busy I had been, how frantic I often feel, and hide my overwhelm from her. I wanted to put forward a happy, in control, relaxed me, before quickly deflecting the attention back on to her.
I felt ashamed, as if I was failing at something, as if I was not balancing my life properly and I worried she would think I was about to tumble off my tightrope.
Why couldn’t I be truthful? Where had this shame come from?
I quietly uttered a smidge of truth. “You know how it is, running around a lot, a bit frantic at times. Enough about me, how about you?”
“Yes, same same. Time seems to fly some days”.
Up came our shutters, shielding our reality from the world. Hiding our vulnerabilities and concerns.
We ate lunch, shared a few funny stories and then headed back to our busy days.
I sat in the car feeling disconnected and empty. I looked in the mirror and hoped not to be seen.
What if I had said I am extra busy right now? Talked about how I am wrapping up my final assessments while launching a new business. How I often feel inadequate and unsure as I continue to venture way outside my comfort zone.
What if I told her my eyes sting because I need to sleep more and I feel overwhelmed more often than I would like?
What if she knew that I had chosen this, created this life?
What if she got to see the unsure working Mum who today was juggling too many balls?
What if she knew the fear I have that the ball I drop may be devoted Mum or Wife?
What if I allowed myself to be seen as less than perfect?
What if my friend listened, smiled and reached her hand out to mine and said “I understand, I feel like this too sometimes”?
What if we both let it all out, we threw away judgement and left lunch feeling connected and supported instead of ashamed and secretive?
Imagine……
Are you hiding anything from the world? Who can you tell?
What if you did each open up to the other? Wouldn’t that make it clear that even amidst the overwhelming craziness of your lives, the friendship meant enough to take the time for lunch, time to connect with a dear pal? Easier said than done but maybe well worth it!
Mo it is definitely well worth it.
There are only a few pals that I really open up to. Why? They’ll REALLY listen. I’m certain of that and I know their advice is wise. My radar is perhaps too finely strung. I always ask questions of others and open up only to those I truly trust.
Hi Karen! Love this post. I have this discussion a lot with myself. I am honestly torn. Most of the time I honestly do not like to focus on what is stressing me. It is just not an energy that I like, and I feel it doesn’t do us or the conversation any good. I read a lot about being real. It’s everywhere. It’s a tough balancing act sometimes. In the right moments with the right people, I am very free with my story. Like Kelly above said, it depends on the person. Great post and great discussion. Glad I found you on the sharefest. It’s nice to meet you. xo ~Topaz
Topaz, I have found that I can use more energy in hiding a problem than in sharing in a constructive, what can I change or do better frame of mind.
It is a touch balancing act, one I tackle with a solution mindset to keep me away from becoming a whingey victim.
I agree great discussion. Delighted to meet you too.
I battle with a severe anxiety disorder everyday of my life and I have to work very hard to just be “me”. So Im very familiar with this. Its a very lonely place when you aren’t being yourself. I have to remind myself that we all have our battles and that helps me a lot to be real with others.
Julia thanks for your honesty. It is a very lonely place when you are hiding your true self from the world. We do all have our battles and often we are all there hiding from each other. Being real is not easy.
I know how that feels. I am often quiet and keep my feelings to myself. It is hard to go beyond “fine” but true friends will let you be yourself, when you feel comfortable to tell them how you’re really feeling.
Heather, yes, yes, yes. Our true friends are not there to judge and often we must courageously trust this is true to gain the most from our relationships and discuss how we are feeling.
I’ve had lunches like this. It is hard to let someone through the shield we’ve built up. I think some days I’m just not up for it.
I had a really good conversation with a female co-worker (who I’ve had problems with) the other day – she let her shield down and told me how she really felt about herself – more frumpy than she’s ever felt before. She asked me if I ever felt frumpy. When I said everyday we bonded and our work relationship has improved substantially.
I would never have been the first to let my guard down. What if I did so and she said she never feels like that and judges me. It wouldn’t be worth it. Maybe we need new friends.
What a fabulous story. I often wonder how people can know and understand us if we are too afraid to let them get to know us. The fear of ridicule and judgement holds us back and yet the person alongside us may be suffering the same insecurities. What if she judged you? What if she didn’t? So much to be gained here.
Great though provoking share, thank you.
I tend to do this with the majority of people in my life. Stay on the surface and not share what’s really going on. I have a few friends where I can let it all out with. And then of course there’s blogging. Found you from SITS Sharefest.
We do tend to stay on the surface with so many people in life Shell, those few friends who let us hang it all out are so valuable. I nurture these relationships, tending to them and valuing them enormously.
Thrilled you stopped by.
I can so relate to this. I feel like i have almost no real friendships anymore and nobody sees me. I have always hidden away, always been ashamed, but there used to be some friends I would open up to, who knew it all. Now that are all far away and we all have our own lives. The friends I have now it is all on the surface. We have to put on a brave face and act like life is great. If you don’t you are kind of like a downer, a bummer, a crazy person….
Oh Christen, I feel my heart sinking as I read your words. Do you miss opening up to those friends? How can you be seen again? What feels safe for you? What would happen if you did reach out?
You opened up here and what I heard was a courageous and honest person’s voice. I truly hope you once again discover and nurture real and supportive friendships, wherever that may be.
Stay in touch
Wonderful share. I think in order to be true to ourselves and be a friend to others we must be comfortable in our truths. Sharing our day when a friend asks is being true and clear so l have learned to pick my words carefully and share away with balance for all parties involved lol 🙂
Mari, I so agree. Becoming comfortable with our truth and sharing with balance is what great friendships thrive on.