I have stumbled many times in my life.
Some stumbles I am yet to heal from…….
It was mid morning. I was in the company of trusted souls. Amidst the lattes and banana cake we were dissecting our lives, attempting to make some sense of the daily chaos.
Spilling our stories, laughing and nudging each other, sisterhood built upon mutual understanding.
Then this happened……….
A tale was told.
I related, memories dragged up from my own humiliating moment. One I was not proud of and one I had buried to forget.
I fell silent, feeling my unhealed wound beginning to crack wider and wider.
My eyes darted around, concerned the world could see my flaws spilling out all over the ground.
Despite my intense longing for comfort and understanding, I gathered my things, desperate to make a hasty retreat.
I was shaking, my physical body unable to contain the adrenaline now pulsing within.
I waited for a pause, offered an excuse and scooted to the safety of my car.
I sat in silence, an ache radiating from my throat to the depths of my chest.
I was afraid to cry, afraid to let it out, afraid to feel this enduring pain.
I turned the car and headed for home.
I was running like a child with a scraped knee in desperate search of their Mumma.
I wanted comfort, security, I imagined tumbling into someones arms, letting go of all my control and allowing a feeling of relief to wash over me.
I hesitated, terrified to allow my raw truth to be seen by anyone.
I frantically began to squash it all again, stomping my feelings back down.
I gulped, blinking furiously, fighting to regain my composure.
Retreat, retreat, on repeat as I drove home.
Closing the door, cutting myself off, my shield up once again.
“Shame derives its power from being unspeakable” – Brene Brown
That moment has left me pondering, questioning the barriers we build to protect ourselves.
The fear of disconnection and rejection that causes us to cloak ourselves in secrecy.
Hiding our messy imperfections and allowing shame to control our life.
Denying ourselves the healing powers from deep, honest and intimate connections.
What if living fabulously includes easing in to vulnerability, allowing ourselves to be truly seen and accepting help to heal our wounds?