Image by Karen Main
I went to a circus performance last week, a small travelling family Circus.
I admired this group of performers. The artistry, the costumes, the makeup, the dedication to every show.
The cheerful girl selling tickets was later twirling ropes. The friendly doorman was eating fire.
I was enchanted by the razzle dazzle of their performance and in awe of their showmanship when the Big Top was barely half full.
Here is my confession…..
I too have been wearing a costume this week.
It sparkles, comes with a big smiley face and speaks of joy and happiness.
My costume is more of a disguise.
Hiding the negativity creeping in underneath.
Slowly I had become disheartened and frustrated
Losing my true sense of fun, my desire to just be me.
I had become Crusty the Clown
How?
You see, I have been dreaming about this blog for a long time. I expected the work involved in writing and even the photography.
I took an Ecourse with Liv Lane, to Build a Blog you Truly Love. This gave me a foundation, an overview of blogging, filled in my knowledge gaps.
I was exposed to a whole world out there I did not know existed. Website jargon, website design elements I never noticed , social media strategies, Google Analytics.
All this before I had even written a post or taken a photo.
The more I learnt the, more I wanted to know, yesterday- impatience
The more I improved the more I compared myself – despair
Every website I visited added to my ideas book, colours, fonts, buttons, words, phrases.
I began using Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Flickr
I joined a zoo, Mail Chimp, Hootsuite and Picmonkey
The course showed me a world I wanted and I wanted it all and I wanted it now – more impatience
I began to compare – more despair
I began admiring websites that have been lovingly cultivated over years and years.
I even began to feel the big ugly J word, JEALOUS.
I was straying from my value system. Adopting anxiety, irritability and intolerance.
Yuck!
Time to own the negative feelings, trace their source and challenge them.
A bright colourful costume will never disguise negativity.
Today I am reclaiming myself, no more Crusty the Clown.
Today I am satisfied.
True to my magnificient, raw, honest and authentic self.
Proud of what I have achieved.
Patient and appreciative of the time and effort that goes in to creating an amazing blog.
Delighted to say I am well on my way……..Without Crusty.
Karen Main
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I promise to give you 100% at every performance and would love to fill up some more seats in my Big Top.
Karen xx
I relate to feelings of impatience, not good enough, comparison, wishing for more. Learning to write, and gaining strength and discipline to write is a huge practice. Add to that the whole world of blogging logistics and these feelings make sense. But here is the amazingly wonderful part. You did it anyway. You wrote and posted. Karen, I’m thinking that it’s all working out <3
Susan yes we can fall into the trap of wishing for more and wishing for it now. Thanks for all the kind words and support.
This is a lesson we all need to be re-taught every now and then. It’s so easy to compare ourselves to others. I have a sign hanging by my desk that reads, “What’s important is not that we outdo others, but that we outdo ourselves.” It helps me to remove the clown suit when needed. It also helps to read that their are others out there just like me. Thank you for this post, Karen.
Great quote Courtney, what we do to ourselves is often overlooked. Thanks
I’ve just started a new job and this is how I feel too. No more crusty for me either.
Crusty is all gone.
I can totally relate to the impatience and comparison! Rome wasn’t built in a day! I’ve pinned this post (I was after you in Debbie’s link up!)
I am glad the post resonated with you, Rome wasn’t built in a day, finding patience is hard. Thank you for the comment and I hope to see you again. Karen
Wow! I was feeling this same exact way this week about my blog. Every step I make forward makes me yearn for two steps more! When i should be celebrating the success of the first steP!!! Thanks so much for joining the Pin it Forward Link party. Sharing your post now!
Denise, Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my blog. It is all about one foot in front of the other and looking back occasionally to acknowledge how far we have all come. This blogging gig is amazing…Karen