It snuck up on me as I watched Madame Secretary, seeing Tea Leonie glide across the screen in her power suit I felt a twitch of desire.
I stroked my arms remembering that feel of a suit jacket.
I curled my toes, recalling that teetering feel of standing nervously in heels while presenting at a meeting.
I had drifted back in time, well before children, when I was that woman, the ‘career woman.’
The deep knowing I had then. The reassurance and safety I gained from a role which defined me, gave me a title and spelled out what I was there to do.
My goals were clear, my results were measured and my achievements were acknowledged.
At this point I had the whole romantic work fantasy swirling through my mind.
And for a fleeting moment I felt a longing for that purpose, that structure, that corporate career me.
That ME I identified with for so long.
A time when the call to work was my priority and I rose up wholeheartedly to greet it.
I have always experienced tension between the responsibilities of work and life, and motherhood has intensified this.
I am often conflicted and the idea of sacrifice overwhelms me at times.
Do I hold back on my career or hold back as a mother.
I once believed I could do both with equal intensity. I now know that for me, right now, that is not true.
I live as if in a personal tug of war……work pulling me away from family and family pulling me from work.
I tried to choose, releasing my grip on career completely as I gave all my energy and focus to being a mother.
My enthusiasm and laser focussed attention soon strangled my children’s search for independence and a resentment for what I was giving up was building within me.
I made the decision to grab back on to the other end of the rope.
I then frantically pulled and pulled so hard on my career I felt myself toppling over as a Mum.
I now realign regularly. Searching for that sweet spot when I am giving enough focus and energy for the rope to remain taught and not fall down as a mother or fall down in my work.
The longing I was currently feeling was not a call to chase down a new high-powered, suit wearing, job. It was a call to pause and to once again tweak my focus, realigning my energies with what I most want.
Right now I want to feel more valuable in my career.
I am ready to produce more work, to find a structure to my haphazard week that makes this possible and to create more opportunities to stand in front of people delivering great content.
Motherhood and my career growth are integral parts of my life and both are important for me to feel fulfilled.
The tension will continue to shift and surge, and finding my sweet spot will be an evolutionary process.
Have you felt a pull to a bygone era?
A longing for something you have lost and try to ignore?
Don’t take the message at face value, follow the thread and ask yourself what is it you deeply crave?
What is it that you are missing?
What you would like more of in your life?
How can you create this for yourself right now?
The fulfilled person you once were is still who you are, and she lives on with hopes, dreams and aspirations.
This is your one great life, don’t postpone a moment of living it.