As swiftly as I was crossing that last task off my To Do list I was beginning to write a new list for tomorrow.
There was nothing unusual about this moment, it was what I did everyday, and yet this day was different.
I lingered, I took more notice.
Realising, that even once everything is done and complete, I automatically began anticipating the next onslaught. Caught up in a belief that this is what all busy working Mums must do, as we struggle with the juggle to somehow get it all done.
On this day questions began to flow……
What is all this list making for?
Will I feel good if I do all of this?
When will I feel good?
In fact……How do I want to feel?
That day was almost a year ago…..
I was working through the Desire Map process and discovering how to live a life fuelled by desire.
As a result I was making decisions based upon feeling good and not feeling obliged.
I was scheduling time for what mattered most and challenging all those sneaky thoughts of I should.
After that day I spent many months reviewing my commitments. I began making some juicy bold decisions and even said no to some dastardly obligations.
Fear was, and still is, my constant companion.
Fear I may disappoint
Fear I may miss out
Fear I may put down the wrong ball
Fear I am getting it wrong
Fear I am messing up
Fear I am making a mistake
Fear just like that surging wave of doubt that ripped through my body when I recently rode the ferris wheel. The gripping series of physical sensations paralysing me, while fear begged me to retreat to the safety of the ground.
I remember how by focussing on slowing my breathing and reminding myself I was safe and okay I was able to relax and ease into the discomfort and enjoy the ride. Even opening my eyes to take in the beauty stretched out before me and the undeniable look of pride and joy in the faces of my children.
How the ease so quickly vanished when a wild gust of wind rattled the carriage and fear surged back through me like an electric current.
Today I sit in the unfamiliar expanse of opportunity, as I wallow in the openness I have created.
I am resisting the urge to refill the schedule, challenging myself to remain here long enough to become more comfortable with doing less.
I am embracing the opportunity to feel and explore my desires.
Fear is begging me to retreat to the comfort of what I know; that crazy, busy schedule which allows no room for choice.
When we have been accustomed to hectic for a very long time, change, even when welcomed, is scary.
Fear will crave the safety of what we have known. Busy is familiar and quiet feels unusual.
Doubt thrives on this and we no longer trust the serenity of space.
We wonder what we are forgetting, how we are failing and who we are letting down.
We quickly fill the schedule and busy reigns supreme, while desire loses out.
We can change this.
We can learn to love and lead a life that feels good.
We can discover what to do when life rattles our carriage and fear rises up.
We can breathe, accept the unease and focus on what matters most.
We owe this to ourselves because this is our one great life and our most fabulous future depends on it.
Are you ready to lead a life that feels good?
Desire Mapping has radically changed my life and I want that for you too.
As an official Desire Map Workshop facilitator I will be running a full day workshop in Melbourne on February 1st.
You can grab all the details over here, with a special Early Bird deal if you register and pay before December 31st.
You got it. I will lead, You will desire.