Hindsight is glorious. Looking back on life, while gaining a fresh perspective, catapulting you forward with renewed clarity.
I made this video in November last year. I watched it again today.
I realise now what a significant time this was for me. The feelings I described were the stirrings, the rumblings of transition. Unconsciously preparing myself to embrace a new chapter in my life.
Looking back I have had several distinctive life chapters. If I was to name them this is what they would be:
The Messy Teen
Unsettled and Unsure
Focused on Career
Love and Career
Security with a Dose of Career
Tragedy and Growth
Stumbling in to Motherhood
Which brings me to last year, 2012. The year my youngest child started school. I was ready, he was ready and yet I was sad, my full-time nurturing days were over.
Initially I set about doing all the things I said I would when this time came. I baked, I gardened, I cleaned, I worked in hubby’s business more. I lunched and I brunched. I went to the gym ,rode my bike. I took on Book Club at the school. I was going to name this next chapter “Super Mum meets Stepford Wife”.
Oh yeah, I had it all figured out in my head, where my logic lives. Not in my heart where a patient, passionate creator resides.
As the year unfolded I became increasingly unsettled, unsure, even unhappy at times. Searching, reaching desperate for more, for what?
My decision to make that video was the first step towards revealing a remarkable truth. It was quickly followed by more videos, this blog and of course my exploration into visual artistry.
The fog completely cleared as I rewrote my About Page last week. I added more history, elaborated on my story, my journey and how I arrived here. With every word written I discovered more about the timeline I have authored for myself. It was my Aha moment and the feelings of the last 12 months made sense. The page had already turned in my book. A new chapter had begun and the one I was living had finished.
The struggle, the unease, was my own guilt holding myself to that former version of me.
My heart, my soul were steadfastly holding up my dormant artist for all the world to see. Poised and ready to star in this next chapter.
A deep creativity, burning within me, desperate to be exposed. A new voice, a new desire.
I now fully embrace this glorious, creative chapter. I strive daily to synch my heart with my mind, to create with ease and make decisions with clarity. I do still feel a tinge of guilt, a flicker of pain as I consider what I may leave behind.
What will be the title of this next chapter? I cannot say. I plan to leave the title open for now, allowing for growth in any direction.
I am moving forward bracing for an incredible ride, expecting twists and turns, ups and downs. A powerful energetic force writing this glorious next chapter of my life.
Have you felt an uneasiness stir within you? Explore this feeling, there may be a new desire waiting to burst onto the scene.
What names would you give to your own life chapters?