If you have seen me over the last few days you may have noticed I am breathing rapidly, my eyes are darting all around and I rarely finish a sentence, let alone a thought.
I am forecasting unforeseen events.
I am shopping, washing and tidying. I have notes and schedules stuck to every flat surface.
When is library, what sport is on tomorrow, what clothes need to be washed, have you finished your homework, what do we need for lunches???????
I am in overdrive baby.
I am in a mad state of preparation.
Now before you go imagining I am climbing Mount Everest or living with Gorillas in some far off jungle I will tell you I am doing something hundreds, thousands most likely millions of parents do every day.
Drum roll please …… I am pursuing my career, I am off to the city to gain a new qualification. I am leaving early each day this week and coming home late,which means hubby has control of the home ship.
This unnecessary panic at letting go has been a huge wake up call for me. I did not realise just how close I remain to the action everyday. How entwined I am in the micro management of the kids school routines and events.
How incredibly tight I am gripping the organisational controls which run our home and our lives.
It is in glorious moments like these, as my emotions escape me, and I feel way out of control that I am also able to learn the greatest lessons and gain incredible insights.
When the heat of panic burns inside, while my knuckles turn white from holding my pen too tight and the sound of my voice is growing loud and squeaky I know I am about to receive the gift of increased self awareness.
I slowed down and began listening to my thoughts and self chatter. I wrote about them in my journal, I followed these feelings I was so unprepared for.
Now my own white hot truth stares back at me from the page……I am very anxious at the thought of letting go.
My enthusiasm and perfectionism are getting in the way of the growth and independence of those around me.
This week I have the perfect chance to take a giant leap back. To create the space my children need to grow and improve their responsibility.
To let them experience days when things are forgotten and they are forced to think for themselves.
To have a chance to feel natural consequences.
This is also a time when my husband gets to parent with his own flair and personality, without me hovering over his shoulder and offering up endless advice.
Time to step away from the home control lever and use both my hands to re-grasp my career and steer it toward the future.
This week as I embark on my learning journey so does my family.
What have your learnt about yourself lately?